Life just never stops does it? Well, it doesn't for those of us in my house. Over the years I have been through enough to realize that surprises are always around the corner. I have made it a habit of reminding myself that when I am "bored" to enjoy it because it only means big things are lurking. Plus who am I to ever complain of being bored when I have two young children at home?! "Bored" is a luxury, right?! Lately I haven't been bored but I have been really, really grateful. Content to be exact. I love the moments when you can actually appreciate the present moment and just know that things are going good. I think that is what life is all about, being present enough to enjoy the great, even if just simple, moments of your life. Especially when you have kids and they seem to make everything go by at lightening speed. I have just felt so grateful to have enjoyed a great, long vacation, to have such a great family, and to have new projects lining up with design POST. I said a prayer a couple of weeks ago just thanking God for all He has put on my plate.
When I started this blog I knew, first and foremost, that I wanted it to be personal...to have a real mom's "voice" behind it so it always comes across as genuine and real. Taking that approach has been hard at times because sometimes I wonder if I am not sounding "professional" or if I am sounding too "professional" (because lets face it I am not). I always walk a fine line between keeping this blog in a tone that I would use with friends without it becoming just my personal blog. Writing is an outlet for me and always has been. It is my laptop therapy and I have come to value it more and more as I stagger through these crazy, tiring, gratifying, and memorable years of motherhood. I have held back some days on the sharing because it would either just be TMI or to be completely honest, I worry that it might make some of you not like the blog. I am an over-sharer by nature and there have been plenty of times, usually involving wine, that I wished I had just shut up. I am learning to edit and I am also learning to just accept this part of my personality. Because after all it just comes from my sincere desire to be comfortable with the people around me. Best friend or not.
So why all the soul searching and blabbering, you ask? Well this month has thrown a major curve ball my way and I keep wondering if this is the place to share. Theres no real reason that I would have to and a big part of me doesn't even want to. But then there is that other part of me that feels like it would be absolutely relieving. Just to put my business out there for others to relate to or sympathize with or maybe just to get the words out of my head and onto the internet. So, over-share (or share?) I will. After all I consider you all friends of some sort and I know that there has to be at least one other girl reading this that will be able to say, I so know how you feel.
In a nutshell I just suffered a miscarriage. Oh the dreaded word. I can remember being pregnant for the first time and feeling like it was an eternity until that 12 week mark. I prayed to not see blood every time I used the bathroom. I prayed as hard as I could that God would just please let me make it to the 12 week mark. It is a helpless feeling during that first trimester, just hoping and wishing that you are not the one who has to go through
that. I have had friends who didn't make it there and I have watched them struggle with the reality that, for them this time just wasn't meant to be. My heart hurt for them and I quietly thanked God it wasn't me that time. After my first pregnancy I assumed like most other girls that the second would grace us with just as little fanfare. I assumed, I assumed, I assumed. I assumed my way right to a miscarriage and then a year and a half of trying.
I was so bitter during that time. I hated seeing pregnant girls and I felt a twinge in my stomach when I saw a newborn. What I hated the most though was just
how much I hated the whole topic of getting pregnant. That miscarriage took all the joy out of trying and filled me with doubts and fears. So imagine my relief and joy when number two came along,
FINALLY, on his own at the perfect time. He is the perfect addition to our family. He relieved my fears and reminded me why pregnant girls and newborns are two of the most awesome things to see in life.
So when it came time to start thinking about number 3, my head was in a good place. Sure we wanted more but there was no rush, no plan, and no worries. And just like that, it happened! Which makes perfect sense because they always tell you that when you stop "trying" thats when it happens. (And for the record when people used to tell me that I wanted to punch them)! So we let our minds catch up and slowly let the thought of 3 kids creep in. But it didn't get to stay long. Without all the gory details I will just say that my miscarriage was not your typical experience. I guess you could say that I am the girl who, if there is a 5% chance of something freakish happening, it will. And with everything going so well, how could this...I felt stunned. I could go on and on about how crazy it all was and how awful but anyone who has or has ever wanted a baby can imagine. It hurts when suddenly the script is flipped upside down.
So here I am. A mother of 2, who doesn't want to seem ungrateful for the family I have but also feels justified in grieving what could have been. No matter the number of kids you see yourself having, if that number is threatened it is hard. Everyone wants "their number", their vision and until you know the outcome of your life story it is hard to feel like "someone is missing." And right now at our house someone is missing. But we trust and believe that God has a plan and that void is going to be filled at the perfect time with the perfect baby. I share all of this because I just don't know how not to. The last thing I want is for more people to be in my business and putting a baby bump watch on me but I do want to be real, and I definitely want to let other people going through this know, that I totally feel your pain.
Its funny though how much you can learn from the trials in your life. I have been amazed at how I am even able to focus on good when it feels like everything is so wrong at the moment but I can't stop noticing the positive. I am so grateful for my friends and family and more than that I am so proud of
myself for choosing these amazing people to surround myself with. I am comforted by the fact that I know I have a great support system, one that will help me through it all. I am content to have a fridge full of good soups and meals from the people that love me. And I am happy to have movies like "Bridesmaids" to remind me that I can still laugh. And craziest of all, I am so happy for the pregnant girls and I am loving the newborns around me. They actually make me happy because it reminds me that good things still happen all the time in this world.
Thank you for reading this novel of a post and for being another source of support for me. I hope that this post reminds all of you that Momsie is as real as it gets. I know you all will understand if my posts are not up to par for a little bit. In fact to save you from having to read long, rambling, emotional posts I am just going to divert your attention to some other fabulous blogs for the time being. I have to regain my footing as a mom, a wife, and as a functioning human so my energy is going to that right now, but I will be back. Trust me I will need the laptop therapy! Check in for some great links this week and you never know, there may be some new things going up this week but just like life, no guarantees. Thank you...
